Angry Nigerian’s Top 5 Road Users Uniformed Nightmares

Hey guys, yup it’s me again. The adorable, sexy, handsome, cute, successful, intelligent, unstoppable and yes you guessed it, immensely angry Nigerian. *sniff* *sniff* * my hater sense is tingling*.

My people (Osuofia's voice), hmmmm. Quick question yeah!!!? Do you drive? Are you a motorist? Do you man (or woman...dumb pun of a b***h) the wheel of any metal beast? Manoeuvring that powerful beast through the intricate network of death traps our Nigerian government calls roads? Hmmm, Nigerian death traps???

If you do, then you know that there are forces working round the clock to hinder you from reaching your destinations safe, sound and happy. Typical examples, danfo drivers, mental okada riders, die-hard keke riders, witches and wizards and of course traffic.

None of these can compare to fury hell hath unleashed like the human beings that patrol these roads. You don’t know them? I don’t blame you, they are in disguise. Camouflaged to resemble the sane, diligent, respectable men in uniform that ought to facilitate our commute on these roads.

If you don’t already know the hoodlums in uniform that I am referring to, allow me to intimate you. Every single armed or unarmed force at a governmental or state level that was instituted to serve and protect road users. Instead, they extort, punish, beat up and in some kill the very people they were recruited to protect…..*shame*

Dear road user, you know I know you know who I am referring to. However, I am not here to put them on blast. Oh I will though, just not yet. Instead, I have compiled a ranking, a call it “Angry Nigerian’s Top 5 Road Users Uniformed Nightmares".

Continue to see my chart…..

 

NO. 5     Military guys (Army, Navy and Air force)

"Dan U banka"

Coming in at number 5, are these brothers in arms.

Now these geezers are just plain enforcers. They do what they have been told to do and that’s it. Soldier go, soldier come. Zombies (Fela’s words, not mine).

They obey orders from the top, protect their own and are ready to kill doing that. There-in lies their problem.

Have you ever hit a vehicle belonging to one of them? You would have quite a tale to tell through your broken dentition. There was a lady who was videoed being beaten to stupor by navy men for doing just that. I mean, a woman was beaten, stripped and disgraced in public for standing up for herself. I don’t care who was wrong or right, you shouldn’t dehumanise a lady like that.

They make you abide, which is good for order. They are great people amongst them as well. But then again, barbaric behaviour like that is just straight up wrong.

NO. 4     Federal road safety (FRSC)

Next on our chart, chugging in at a comfortable number 4 is these guys.

"Park Him"

The idea behind that is straight up perfect, they are charged with the responsibility of making sure the roads are safe for your commute. They check for seat belts and safety equipment your car should have. They make your life a living hell if you default in anyway. People out there can testify.

They have no power. They are only good for conducting traffic. Just don’t get to their office or drive around with incomplete papers (like I am doing right now…..ssshhhhh!!!) or else ITS OVER.

NO. 3     Nigerian police (NPF)

Coming in at number 3, our friendly neighbourhood MIB’s, the Nigerian police farce (not a mistake).

"Sir, where is your custom duty vehicle inception receipt institute security corporation paper"

"Here come the men in black"

Now these are the men, I personally have a special detestation for. They are the ones that have been charged with our security. To protect us from highway robbers and make lives bearable.

Do they do this? Unfortunately, NO! They are more interested in what we have for them. “Oga, anything for your boys?” should be their slogan instead of …… whatever it is.

It’s like they especially have an envy for young boys that are doing something legit for themselves. They will park you for no reason, ask for your papers and inspect your car as if it was stolen. When they have done that, they will now ask “Oga, do weekend for us na?” Am like, *raised eyebrow*, seriously.

They have been known to beat, extort and sometimes kill innocent road users over sums of money as small as 20 naira. Now that’s a level of small-mindedness and poverty that is just sad.

Good thing is, if they hold you, you can always bribe your way out. They have a price. Just pray you have the verbal skills to wiggle your way to safety.

But beware of these guy. They are armed and dangerous.

NO. 2     Vehicle inspection officers (VIO)

Ahh!!! We are drawing closer to the end of our countdown. Checking in at number two, is VIO.

"Officer, let us go and arrest people that are not using their seat belt. In the meantime, let us drive there without our seat belt"

You thought FRSC check, you should see when these ones are inspecting your car. Their skills are better suited for the assembly line of an automobile plant. To inspect for any defects.

They check your windscreen, tail lights, head lamps, your fire extinguisher, hazard sign, inner light and all sorts. If it is possible to check your heart rate or even smell your fart to check the levels of hydrogen sulphide present in it sef, they will do it. Just looking for any excuse to catch you slipping.

God help you if you do, straight to their office. You must part with money when you get there. Outrageous sums for that matter. It’s just plain wrong. More annoying is that they are difficult to bribe. Like their salary depends on happy people they catch. It’s crazy I swear.

My brothers and sisters, don’t be caught slipping biko.

NO. 1     Lagos state transport management agency (LASTMA)

Last but not least, sitting pretty at the top of our nightmarish list is the tormentor of every Lagosian driver.

"Ahhhhh!!!"

"Na me be the King Kong"

"Deflate his tire, tow it the our yard and give him ticket of 100 thousand.

In Lagos, there is a funny saying, “the fear of LASTMA is the beginning of wisdom”. This is very true. Whenever they hit the scene their bright coloured uniform inspires fear to a level.

Empowered by state, they can impound, tow and confiscate your vehicle at will. Worst still, they can write you a ticket. They don’t even care if you a first time offender or not, once you reach their office, they ticket you. Anything they write in that ticket is final. No begging.

Like every other Nigerian, they can be bribed. But once that ticket is written, there is no going back. I found that out the hard way. Got a ticket worth 50 gees and paid every kobo. While I was crying about that, I saw a man whose ticket was for a hundred gees. Water runaway my eyes.

Now don’t get me wrong, LASTMA does a fine job in making sure the traffic moves and the roads a fit for its users. But why are the fines so high that people have to pay literally by selling off a vital body organ. It’s just unfair. If I had my way, I would get the government to review the fines because currently it is outrageous.

Oh yeah, they are also tribalistic as well. That is a heavy No No for me. 

Ok ladies and germs that concludes my countdown.  Did you enjoy it? If yes, well that’s good for you cos I don’t really care. If you didn’t, guess what, I don’t really care either.*evil laugh* *shrugs*. Perhaps, you have some other uniformed agencies that frustrate you on the streets, let’s talk it out of our systems or keep it to yourself and let it kill you. Drop a comment if you feel the need.