Lost in the Diaspora (READ ONLY!!!)

As Ibuzor (not implied) stared down the ceramic toilet bowl, richly decorated and arabesque with fecal matter, his thoughts and mind were like the stormy seas, thrashing about from the tumultuous winds the foul smelling bowl brought to his nose, mouth and stomach. He couldn't understand it and didn't even realize when he muttered under his breath "Kai, so Oyibo children can do this kind of thing". "See how it looks, ah ah!!! How can somebody mix soap for washing hand, with shit and still decide that the best thing to do is the shove toilet roll inside THAT same bowl?". He shut the toilet bowl, shook his head and said more audibly than before, "Mba oh!!! I am not washing this." He closed the four toilet stall in the female children's bathroom of Digbeth's community primary learning center in Conventry, West midlands UK. He shuffled across to the next stall, the 10th toilet on his cleaning route and last for the night. With a gentle yet firm shove, the toilet stall door popped wide open, exposing its vile content. He looked straight down its already open bowl, heaved a sigh of relief , assessed its shit stained surface and he said thankfully, "Thank God, this one is better."

The Blood, The Sweat and The Tears!!!

Alright, everyone shut up for a minute about how big kim kardashian's ass is. Let's all forget for a moment that ISIS is gradually taking over Syria and will soon occupy Iraq. If its possible, I hope we would be able to take our thoughts away from how much the world actually hate Justin Bieber but still has MILLIONs of fans on both Instagram and Twitter and possibly every other form of social media out there. Lets ignore the fact that slowly google is taking over the world or forget about the fact that Buhari has inherited what seems to be a broken down economy. . . I beg you my devoted readers, to focus our attention to something more critical. Something that I have been wanted to ramble about for sometime. Infact, this particular work of rant (not a typo) will start with a question. Why is Nigeria so hard?

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF AN ANGRY NIGERIAN!!!

Hello my fellow Niangryrians....hmmmm (interesting combination of the words angry and nigerian). Wow wonders really never do end. Before I continue with this particular post let me just say "HAPPY NEW YEAR"....woohooo!!! *sounds of bangers bursting* Call me the angry procastinator. Imagine this kinda medicine after death. I know most of you don't really care whether the felicitations are coming in late or not but guess what??? *evil buhaha* i don't really care either. I just wanted to do something nice for a change..ah yes, Nice...*Yuck@nice!!!.. That's not really my style...Nice is an ingredient that doesn't go down well in the angry nigerian's soup, so back to the much anticipated angriness.
The year is far spent, so many things have gone down that people were expecting the angry man to comment on i didn't. Wanna know why? I have this slave mine i report to everyday...its called my JOB!*psst* "Don't tell my boss I said that". Well, I am back now, I won't let no modern day slave trade hold down my passion for pissing people off. So to begin this my new season, I want to start this first post of the year with something different. I want people to know for real how ANGRY nigerians can be or really are. I am NOT going to spend the next few hours typing like an underpaid secretary...oh no! Picture they say, speak a thousand words. Check out this pixies (lol, plural for pix) after a word from our sponsors.....

Angry Nigerian’s Top 5 Road Users Uniformed Nightmares

Hey guys, yup it’s me again. The adorable, sexy, handsome, cute, successful, intelligent, unstoppable and yes you guessed it, immensely angry Nigerian. *sniff* *sniff* * my hater sense is tingling*.

My people (Osuofia's voice), hmmmm. Quick question yeah!!!? Do you drive? Are you a motorist? Do you man (or woman...dumb pun of a b***h) the wheel of any metal beast? Manoeuvring that powerful beast through the intricate network of death traps our Nigerian government calls roads? Hmmm, Nigerian death traps???

If you do, then you know that there are forces working round the clock to hinder you from reaching your destinations safe, sound and happy. Typical examples, danfo drivers, mental okada riders, die-hard keke riders, witches and wizards and of course traffic.

None of these can compare to fury hell hath unleashed like the human beings that patrol these roads. You don’t know them? I don’t blame you, they are in disguise. Camouflaged to resemble the sane, diligent, respectable men in uniform that ought to facilitate our commute on these roads.

If you don’t already know the hoodlums in uniform that I am referring to, allow me to intimate you. Every single armed or unarmed force at a governmental or state level that was instituted to serve and protect road users. Instead, they extort, punish, beat up and in some kill the very people they were recruited to protect…..*shame*

Dear road user, you know I know you know who I am referring to. However, I am not here to put them on blast. Oh I will though, just not yet. Instead, I have compiled a ranking, a call it “Angry Nigerian’s Top 5 Road Users Uniformed Nightmares".

Continue to see my chart…..

The Man who Lives in His car.....

Hey guys,

Whoa!!! How long has it been since my last post? Seems like forever...hehe!!! Before I continue I Just wanna say, the only way you know you are doing something right is when you have critics (critics, lol...makes me sound like the british prime minister.......HATAZ, HATERS). Hmmm, haters??? hmmm......seems like there is a topic in there somewhere... I will get back to that later. Don't wanna deviate. So, I wanna ask, Has anyone ever seen this ..

Yes, I lmfao-ed when i saw it too. Its very interesting, sad but also unequivocally true (sorry for that super grammar, someone accused me of not behaving like I have an MBA....Stupid hater) where was I? Oh yes, the destiny stealing traffic in lagos. What is that about sef? I don't even know. I am not gonna go rambling about the incurable traffic situation in lagos yet though. But i was feeling abit inspired by the pix above that i decided to get poetic. The haters say "huh??"... Yes, Haters!! POETIC.... Read my poem, If you dare...after the cut.... Winks* *laffs evilly* * evilly is not a word dummy.

Work, Money and Everything in between.

Hi again, hw long hs it bin? W@? 5months? did any1 miss me @ all? No1 even asked of me??? Mscheww. . . Fake a** pple. Don't even know why I bothered to come here and say "Hi" sef... its not like anybody takes out time to read this meaningful crap....Mschewwwwwww........That of course, is by the way side. Truly there is only one reason why I came here. and guess what?? Its not to impress you, Its just to let you know that....I am angry  (Duh, the name of the blog is ANGRY nigerian). Anyway, wanna find out y am so angry...Stick around!!!

A tale of Nyanya: Lovers Torn Apart

The alarm on his smartphone went off, "ring ring ring". Joel was instantly jolted back to reality from his slumber. He picked up the phone to check what time it was "Hmm, 5 am already", he muttered to himself. "Wow, Monday already", he thought as he sat up on the king-sized bed. He let out a yawn before turning to view the figure lying next to him on the bed in a short, silk night gown. It was his wife, Rita. Rita lay next to him motionless, He thought to himself "this woman sef, the alarm didn't wake her up? Abi, she is just forming?", he pondered. He stared at her motionless figure, top then to bottom, his eyes met with her behind. "Ah" he reminisced..."that ass though" he thought as he ogled...Her voluptuous backside was starring him in the face. He let out a knowing grin. Oh, How he loved that booty. Unfortunately, there wasn't going to be any naughty play in the sack this morning. He and Rita had been in an argument the night before and she'd turned her back to him ever since. No kiss goodnight, No late night laughter nor smiles before bed, Not even the usual cuddles. Nothing but this cold shoulder he was being given. Maybe she would let him tap that ass when he gets home with the bunch of flowers and chocolates he was planning to buy her on his way home from work in the evening. Either that or suya from that Mai-Suya she loves so much. That would do the trick. As his thoughts lingered, his grin and the bulge in his boxers grew in size. He stood up from the bed, and went to prepare for work.